"I do what I have to do, so that I can do what I want to do."
Life is not a simple exercise for me. While it just seems to come naturally to some, it's just not so, for me. Having a positive state of mind is a continuous choice I have to make, and it is a continuous decision to stop self destructive thoughts in their tracks, and choose to believe the positive mantras that might seem cheesy, or ludicrous to me.I don't really know why I am like this... and I could psycho-analyze it to death, but I'm not sure how helpful that would be. I'm pretty sure that some of the hurdles I've faced (especially in my childhood) have helped me develop a somewhat dim view of the world. Things like childhood obesity, a grim personal appearance (thanks to undiagnosed PCOS), constant exhaustion and mood swings (thanks to undiagnosed Hypothyroidism), uninvested parents and a lack of personal development, etc.
I felt so alone most of my childhood, and so inadequate, that I spent it trying to pursue instant gratification. In my teen years, eating and TV became my sole companions and comforts, while my family was mostly off in their own world. It's still like this today, you know. I don't get social phone calls from family, nor so much as a card on a birthday, or a holiday... and quite frankly, I don't remember the last time I got anything at all in the mail, from them, or even a social phone call. You can see why a child would try to drown itself with 'love' in the form of whatever one came across -- be it food, or TV, or what have you. Pick your poison.
When one is swimming in loneliness, illness induced mood swings, life induced anxiety, and self loathing... it is extremely hard to have self control of any kind. Whether it be with your refrigerator, or with your checkbook, or whatever brings you immediate release. What's worse is that when you don't have deadlines or commitments of any kind, you can put off desperately needed changes, for as long as possible and tell yourself that 'tomorrow, you will start;' but when someone tells you that you have NO choice, that it's the hour zero and you need to buckle down, or else... your life turns into a shiny, red button. Do not press the shiny red button, they say... You must guard yourself to never press the shiny red button. Everyone's anticipating, and policing you. Everyone knows.
History Eraser Button
If the video doesn't show, follow the link above.
Someone I admire profoundly, once said to me: "Lizmari, you are no one's victim."
But it's so comforting to believe that I am; that I am life's victim, that I have no choices, that I am like a small boat, with no sails, and no paddles... at the mercy of life's waves. That I am being held hostage at the mercy of a big, shiny red button, awaiting to erase history; MY HISTORY. Or at least, in my warped sense of self I like to think it is... "Woe is me..."
Why? Because it's PAINFUL to not be anyone's victim. It takes MUSCLE, and exercising your discipline muscle is just as painful as stretching your calves. Ouch.
Why? Because it's PAINFUL to not be anyone's victim. It takes MUSCLE, and exercising your discipline muscle is just as painful as stretching your calves. Ouch.
... But I am not anyone's victim. I AM NOT, and neither are you.
Listen to me, friend. You who decided to google "When will I die from Type 2 Diabetes?" and suddenly chanced upon my blog: You are not a tiny raft, alone at sea. You are a MASSIVE ship, and you can take charge of your course. You can choose to stir your ship into the icebergs, you can choose to press the shiny red buttons of your life, every day... Or you can choose to tell diabetes to buzz off.
"Hey, diabetes... GET LOST. You may place hurdles in my life, but you will NOT take me. Not today. TODAY WILL NOT BE THE DAY. I am NOT your victim. You are NOT my master. I AM, and I am allowed to BE, and you do NOT get to tell me who I am, what I am, and when I get to leave."
I have my own shiny, red buttons... and I understand. Believe me, I do...
But you have choices... And while you may decide to throw in the towel, let me remind you (or perhaps inform you), that Type 2 Diabetes =/= death. YOU have the power to let it equal LIFE. A life reborn, a life re-defined, a life EMBRACED.
Embrace life, WITH diabetes. It may take courage to not be a victim... but I promise you, if you do it, you will NOT be disappointed. You will be OKAY. You will not just survive, but you will THRIVE. You can do this thing... Life awaits you!
I promise.
Will you take the challenge?
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